..ok its time again to let some stress out..

2 weeks ago I went up to Brians house for ah few days. He asked me if i wanted to come spend sometime together.. so i went up. I think it did us good. We had a really good week together and i got to see everyone up there BUT Kenz. I went to britts game and i hung with Em..AND i went to see baby London an Ben. I love that kid, hes such a doll! So then my sister had to come up and get me. That was ah long ride home (because my mom was talking 100 mph).. but it was worth getting to see Brian an spend time with him alone.. he fixed me dinner an everything.

Last week was youth camp. I was never sooooo happy to give up SYC. YAY its over!!!! So Brian was tired of hearing me and momma bitch soo he came down Wed- friday. And lets just say I think we only had one bad night.. and that was wed. night because he made me mad and i wasnt in a good mood anyways cause either one of us wanted to be there. But we got over it and i would say we had a good time together. We skated together .. and hung out alot with Matt. So that as cool. Game its self was pretty gay. We did some fun stuff and had alotta down time witch is cool but it was just a gay camp. Some things went on that should not have but yourll have that. And lets see.. we swam and tanned alot. I got a really bad sun burn and I had to have Matt put burn stuff on me and my back lol and all he had on was his unders. hehehehe kinda felt weird. But whatever. Me an Ashely were our normal roit selfs. That girl is my fn love. We had alotta fun at the pool. LOL lets just say that those lucky guys that were watching got to see our boobies because ash thought she would be gay and yank my top down.. so i got her back. Then later we got in a fight and she pushed me in the pool.. HAHAH great times girl. So the camp fire was alotta fun to. after our main event brian matt and i stayed up and sat around the fire..  thats always fun! :) i about fell asleep settin on brians lap because it was so nice to set there in the heat of the fire on the kids lap that you feel your self and the happiest with. I was pretty much awsome. *i miss those days* anyways... thats about it i think. Matt and I chilled alot together after brian left cause no one likes me anymore. I got to give SYC over to Ash... so thats pretty cool to give it to your your not only best friend but someone that you know will do better than you did. And i didnt get on the opening team so that only means that i dont have to go to any thing anymore if i dont want.. and i probably wount.. who knows.

Umm i start training for work tomorrow. Im kinda scared. I dont know if ill like it as much as i was hoping too. We have VIP nights friday and saturday for our family an close friends.. im hoping that Brian Neal will come down but he probably wount even though hes the only one that i really care if he goes. Itll probably just be an other depressing night anyways. oh well.. i have a huge number of those anyways and ill get over it. um i have to take the stupid test thursday and knowing me i wount pass it.. who knows whatll happen i probably wount be aloud to open. nothing new, nothing never goes my way anymore.

Linds n I went to a truck pull lastnight in hopes of having a blast and finding some guys to hang out with.. NOPE. Its so hard! We looked around ya know but its so sad and depressing because we are both lost in the one that still owns the pices to our  broken hearts.

I hate fuckin being depressed all the time. i hate it sooooo much. I just want to be someone differnt again. I want to be a happy person.. the only thing that makes me happy ill probably never have back. I want to be able to have faith in my self again.. its just so hard to do anything anymore. I feel like im no one. THIS SUCKS. im fn done..................

** you know who you are.. and i only wish that you knew how i really felt**

Still nothing new, same old stuff cause I never do anything. Im pretty much stuck im my house until grange camp at the end of the month.. and who knows how exciting that will be because noone wants to come to it. Yet its sad, because I was there for all other peeps when they were SYC and Ambassador. Ugh. I really just hope for the best. I wish that Brian would come down for more time than he is. I truly was looking forward to spending this time with him and wanted him to be there for me as I was there for him. But I guess not.. I guess he has bigger and better things planed for himself that week/weekend. I cant wait to start work because the fact that i need something to do. I just would really love to get away from my house. Ive been talking about going to Emily and Matts  like all summer.. yet to happen!

Ive been like really depressed these days. I was getting over things and its just all came back to hit me in the ass for round 2. I dont know whats been up with me?   And Thank God for Emily Ashley because i dont think a day this week has went by with out crying to her on the phone (Thanks girl.. Your a life saver..I love you sooo much.. I dont think ill ever be able to Thank you for all the help you have been for me). And its all good because we are bestest friends and thats what friends are FOR! But she seems like she understands alot of stuff that Im going though. I just wish that as I go though a hard time like this.. (like the whole growing up thing.. and not knowing what i want out of life).. i wish that i had *loving arms* to run into. I need them sooo bad right now! But........ i guess there is a reason for everything so ill have to make it though this on my own will, and my own power... hoping that in the end of this, there is an reason/answer *sigh*
But for now as I get up in the morning ill just put the fake face/smile on and go about my day.. praying to make it though without breaking into tears... knowing that by the end of the day no matter what  i'll still be depressed when my head hits the pillow.

For now i better get to bed.



ps - I miss you Brian.. i know i say it all the time now and your probably tired of me and tired of  hearing it, but I truly mean it from the hear and........... i love you 
 

Wow.. its been a LONG time.. and yet ALOT has happened.

I want to start off by saying that I have entered summer of 06' and I am now a senior! :) I'm so exicted  about the year to come. I  just.. yet confused of what I want to do with myself now.

I now have my drivers licence!

I am now an employee of Texas Road House.. We open July 17th!

Brian and I are now on a break (as its called.) Its been the longest month of my life. Its been soooo hard. But I guess I can say that Im doing the best that I can. I just keep my self very busy until im so tired that im about to drop! I just wish that he would understand that I really love him truly and I have done all I can to make him happy for now. I now  have the two things that he wanted me to have.. (a job, and a drivers licence) Yet I understand that it took way to long for me to get them.. but I did it. I just miss everything. I Just want to be able to go to sleep at night. I want to be able to wake up in his arms again. I want to look into his eyes and tell him I love him. To hear his sweet voice everynight. I guess I want to much though, Im never fuckin happy anymore. He came down to see me last weekend, Just so we could spend time together and talk about things. I think it was good for us. We just should have probably talked more than we did!?! I dont know. 

Right now im tryin to get my mind together and think of shit for camp. Its coming up very soon!!

For now im gonna go. ill try to keep updated more!!


Heres a poem for you..
Thinking too much as the spirit leaves the hollow ground
Thinking too much about how my words really sound
the pain from the past now escapes through my sorrow
holding on to the good as if it'll return for tomorrow...
wishing I had realized the truth that was hidden away inside my heart so long ago
but now I'm left here all alone trying to find a way to find a way to come out and show
sometimes it hurts more to speak then to listen to the breathing of your beautiful soul
sometimes it hurts holding back the way it is i truly feel inside about you, knowing you're all that can fill the hole...
running so fast from the pain- looking to you to help me stay sane...
like the leaves on the trees everything changes in time
but through it all you're forever and always on my mind
speaking slowly through my quivering lips longing for you to speak how you feel
maybe someday you'll tell me you believe what i say and know it's real
wishing for a chance to hold you in my arms forever
I wish I could promise you I'd leave you never...
but what is in the future is only our guess...
it seems like I turned my chances around and made this a mess
I guess I only wish to know if I have a chance.
or should I give up and move from this stance?
I know the pain I caused in the past...
I knew how I felt and yet I ran away so fast...
maybe something will become of us in the end
maybe both our hearts will eventually mend.
I want you to know I'll always be here for you
and everything I say I promise it's true...
but if the feelings are still there
then - in time please be fair...
you're the only one I want to be with and I can't lose hope
but I guess it's my fault, I screwed up, I'll cope...

Hey guys.. i thought i would drop by and update on somethings, sence i never get on here anymore.

Brian and I have been together for over a year now. Apirl 9th was the "one year". We spent it.. well riding home on a fun bus for 10 hours from N.C. Then when we got to his house he got me 12 red roses and a plam tree thing to put in my room. Well after the weekend in NC i spent the whole week at his house because i was on spring break. so that was fun.

School has been the same old.. i just try my best to keep my good grades! :)

Sarah and I work out at the gym just about every night. Then we work on her house. Its just about ready to get the floors laied. so thats awsome... that also means that its almost done and we can move her and brad IN! :) YAY

Last time i updated i had said that we probably had to move.. but we dont.. so thats good!

.. welp im gonna get off here..

I LOVE BRIAN NEAL NORDQUEST